In one of my recent sessions, a client approached me with what I like to call "The Classic Relationship Conundrum." She began by stating:
“I have a problem with my husband. He is not okay, the way he behaves with me is not okay. So, does this mentorship program apply to me or to him? Because I’m okay, and he’s not.”
Now, here’s where it gets interesting—and relatable.
I paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and asked her, "Who has the problem?" She quickly replied, “I do.” Then I asked, “Who do you think needs to take the action?” She didn’t miss a beat: “Me? No, no, I have the problem because of him. So, I think he should be the one to fix it.”
This is where many of us find ourselves in a relationship: staring at the mirror, but focusing on the reflection of the other person.
The Rain Analogy: A Lesson in Perspective
Let me break this down with a Bangalore analogy (because, you know, I’m based here, and it always rains). Imagine it’s pouring outside. Bangaloreans know this scene all too well. Some people look out the window, sulk, and grumble about the ruined plans. Others look at the same downpour and smile, thinking about the fresh breeze and a cup of chai.
Same rain, different reactions.
The rain isn’t the problem—it’s how people perceive it. In a relationship, your partner’s actions may be like the rain. They happen. But how you react to those actions is what ultimately defines your emotional experience.
So, the real question isn’t, “What is he doing wrong?” but “How are you reacting to it?” Are you letting it dampen your day, or are you grabbing your umbrella and dancing in the rain?
Why the One with the Problem Should Take Action First
Now, let’s get to the heart of the matter. When you feel like your partner is the problem, you may think they need to change, right? But here’s the truth: change always starts with the person who has the problem.
You might be thinking, "But it’s not fair! He should change, not me!" Ah, but here’s where I flip the script.
Let’s say your partner is the "rain"—they’re doing something that you’re not happy with. You can’t control the weather (or your partner's every action), but you can control whether you grab an umbrella or just stand there getting drenched. When you focus on yourself, your reactions, and your emotional resilience, you become the queen (or king) of your emotions. And trust me, it's much more empowering to rule your own kingdom than to try to overthrow someone else’s.
Think of your emotional journey like driving a car. If you notice a flat tire, you don’t scream at the tire hoping it will reinflate on its own, right? You change the tire. The car’s still yours, and you’re the one who gets to decide whether you want to keep driving or sit by the side of the road cursing your bad luck. The road won’t fix itself, and neither will your emotions if you just sit there, stewing.
So, Who Needs Mentorship?
It’s easy to think that your partner should be the one getting coached or mentored because, in your eyes, they’re the problem. But the fact is, if you’re feeling upset, stressed, or frustrated, you’re the one who needs the help.
Why? Because it's your emotions on the line. This doesn't mean your partner is off the hook—far from it! But starting with yourself allows you to understand your triggers, reactions, and how you can navigate through the storms in your relationship with more grace and resilience.
Here’s a simple formula:
Problem + Reaction = Outcome
Your partner may contribute to the problem, but your reaction is entirely your responsibility, which, in turn, shapes the outcome. You can either react impulsively, prolonging the conflict, or you can react mindfully, steering the relationship towards resolution.
The Secret Sauce: Emotional Mastery
Emotional mastery is like becoming the CEO of your own life. CEOs don’t waste time blaming external factors when things go wrong—they look for solutions, adapt, and lead with clarity. In relationships, being the emotional leader means taking charge of how you feel, no matter what your partner does or says.
When you master your emotions, you set the tone for the entire relationship. It’s like being the lead actor in a play. Sure, the supporting cast matters, but the audience’s eyes are on you. Your performance—your reactions—set the stage for everything else.
Wrapping It All Up
So, if you ever find yourself in a position where you feel like your partner needs the mentorship, take a moment to ask yourself, “Who’s really feeling the problem?” Because the answer will almost always be: you. And that’s a good thing because it means you have the power to fix it—not by changing them, but by changing how you respond to them.
Remember, relationships are not a competition to see who can get the other person to change. It’s about becoming the best version of yourself so that you can weather any storm, rain or shine.
Signoff:
Until next time, remember: You’re the queen (or king) of your emotions. Rule wisely!
VasudhaRamesh
PS: If you find yourself blaming your partner for how you feel, stop and ask yourself, “Am I reacting to the rain, or am I learning to dance in it?” Spoiler alert: Dancing’s a lot more fun
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